I’m sure some of you have been the victim of a re-gift. I have. I despise getting gifts in the first place but nothing irks me more than getting someone else’s gift wrapped garbage. Re-gifters irritate me so much because they're not only lazy, but tacky as hell. Do me a favor and keep your crap. I’m not here to be an outlet for you to get rid of the shit you've been hoarding since 1984. Another major thing that irritates me about re-gifters is the fact they they think I'm stupid and that I won't know I've been the victim of a re-gift; therefore, I have devised a list of tips for re-gifters to help them get away with their trashiness.
1) Keep it in this century. Unless it’s a priceless diamond passed down through the family, keep it to yourself. I don’t want your old Red Skelton VHS tapes and I’m damn sure not going to watch them. That creepy plush doll that you got out of a Happy Meal 40 years ago can stay at your pad too, cause I’m not really into storing other people’s useless shit. If you want a middle-man to throw away your garbage, look elsewhere, cause it’s not me. Furthermore, I will figure out a way to get this crap back into your house, so help me God.
2) Anything that is NEW and fragile will come in a box. Hey, moron! That Norman Rockwell knock-off figurine you wrapped in a sock and put into a gift bag isn't fooling anybody. Stores put breakables into BOXES when they are purchased. Same goes with the glass picture frame you tried to pass of as new by wrapping in tissue paper. BUSTED! Unless you shop lifted that thing from a shelf at the Hallmark store, it aint new. If you don’t want it, throw it away yourself. I’m not your maid.
3) Don’t set bad precedents. If your manners are so bad that you never remove price tags from gifts, you’re already putting a target on your back. This is nothing new. Even gift receipts don’t show the price on them, so why the hell do you think it’s polite to leave the price tags on everything you give people? It doesn't make you look good for spending $9.99 on a pair of socks. It makes you look like you were raised in a barn for leaving the price tag on those socks. Setting an already bad precedent like this will only magnify your lack of couth when you attempt to re-gift because your victims will become used to looking for the price of their gifts. If you are bad about leaving the prices on gifts, don’t try to pass off that slightly moth-eaten wool sweater in your closet as a Christmas gift to your son-in-law because the lack of a price tag will be a red flag that you re-gifted that shit. Plus you'll embarrass your daughter for being a cheapskate hobo.
4) CHANGE THE NAME. For the love of God, do I have to think of everything?? Don’t you think your brother is going to notice that the name tag on those rock hard, used, gardening gloves isn't his? This should be a given, but, sadly, it isn't. I’d love to blame the public school system in this country, but this kind of density can only be learned at home. So unless you come from a home with a lovable patriarch by the name of “Cousin Eddie”, don’t do this. Hey! Seriously, don’t do it.
5) Be Honest. Okay, so your best friend is a big loudmouth and she called you out for re-gifting that hideous Christmas ornament your mother gave you 5 years ago. You know, the reindeer with the felt peeling off of its antlers and the flattened snout from being shoved into a box since 2008. Don’t try to lie your way out of it. You’re caught, so own up to it and don't make it worse by making up some lame lie to cover for yourself.
If you have any other pointers for these lazy turds, please feel free to share in the comments!
