I have been slacking on writing stuff because, frankly, I don’t want to offend anyone. Then I remembered that this is supposed to be my fortress of solitude. Yes, I've shared this blog with a few people and put one or two, “Hey look what I did’s” on Facebook….but for the most part, I’m going to keep this pretty under wraps. Why? Because I need a place to vent. I love Tony to death, but venting to him is like trying to get meaningful advice from an 8 year old boy while he's watching Iron Man. I will tell him an entire story and right when it comes to the part when he should (at least) nod or say “Uh-huh” I hear crickets and see the back of his head because, after all, Two and a Half Men is WAY more important than the sanity of the woman you share your home with, right?? I digress. Since I don’t want to be a bother to my magnificent better half, I will have to let loose here. There are times when a person needs to vent and today is one of those days for me. For all I know, I'm the only person reading this blog anyway.
I spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, living in a little cubicle, away from any windows and in close proximity to individuals that make me want to punch a kitten. If you've ever worked in an office setting, you know the many types of office weirdos I'm talking about. But have you ever come into contact with a person so bad that they could actually be defined as some sort of mutated, hybrid, combination of every annoying office cliche known to man? I have, but instead of rattling off the day to day antics of this creature, I thought I'd just list some irritating co-worker "qualities" and throw in a few "made up" examples.
1) Loud Mouth: They are the equivalent of a 13 year old girl trying to get the attention of a boy that doesn't know she's alive. It's obnoxious when 13 year olds do it and it's even worse when a 40 year old does it. We don't care that you have to make an appointment with your gynecologist because you've been less than fresh for 6 months or that you had to give your husband a suppository last weekend because he was backed up from eating too much cheesy fondue. Keep that crap to yourself, you nasty moron!
2) One-Upper: You know this asshole. They would rather DIE than allow anyone to know, do, or have something better than they know, do, or have. It all boils down to the fact that this person is super desperate for some attention. "Oh, you went to a JT concert the other night? Well, I used to babysit for him before he was famous and he sends me bacon wrapped back stage passes on a diamond encrusted gold chain whenever he comes to town for a show."
3) Chatty Cathy: "Did you have a good lunch? Where'd you go? What'd you get? Was it good? Who are you emailing? Are they nice? Is it cold outside? Is it hot outside? I have to pee. Do you have to pee? Do I sound crazy? I'm not. I'm not crazy...." Nuff said.
4) Wannabe: Nothing is more irritating than hearing a grown-up try to sound cool when they clearly are not. Don't brag about how much you like the smell of weed or all the beers you drink, by yourself, in your garage on the weekends. I'm sure you were really cool that one time in 1986 when you went to a Poison concert and caught a contact high from the even cooler Glam Rockers next to you, but this is an office. Stop it. You sound pathetic.
5) Martyr: Seriously, don't come to work sick. Stay home with that stuff until it's gone. Trust me, we can make it without you. Nothing is more disgusting than a secretary who thinks that she is so important to the daily functions of a billion dollar corporation, that it can't go a day or two without their sniveling, coughing, gagging, funky, sick ass. If you get me sick and then it has to work its way through my entire household before coming right back to me, I swear, I'm going to sneeze all over your keyboard and wipe my ass with your nail file, the first chance I get.
I could go on, but I'd like to hear some of the irritating "qualities" you've found in co-workers.
1) Loud Mouth: They are the equivalent of a 13 year old girl trying to get the attention of a boy that doesn't know she's alive. It's obnoxious when 13 year olds do it and it's even worse when a 40 year old does it. We don't care that you have to make an appointment with your gynecologist because you've been less than fresh for 6 months or that you had to give your husband a suppository last weekend because he was backed up from eating too much cheesy fondue. Keep that crap to yourself, you nasty moron!
2) One-Upper: You know this asshole. They would rather DIE than allow anyone to know, do, or have something better than they know, do, or have. It all boils down to the fact that this person is super desperate for some attention. "Oh, you went to a JT concert the other night? Well, I used to babysit for him before he was famous and he sends me bacon wrapped back stage passes on a diamond encrusted gold chain whenever he comes to town for a show."
3) Chatty Cathy: "Did you have a good lunch? Where'd you go? What'd you get? Was it good? Who are you emailing? Are they nice? Is it cold outside? Is it hot outside? I have to pee. Do you have to pee? Do I sound crazy? I'm not. I'm not crazy...." Nuff said.
4) Wannabe: Nothing is more irritating than hearing a grown-up try to sound cool when they clearly are not. Don't brag about how much you like the smell of weed or all the beers you drink, by yourself, in your garage on the weekends. I'm sure you were really cool that one time in 1986 when you went to a Poison concert and caught a contact high from the even cooler Glam Rockers next to you, but this is an office. Stop it. You sound pathetic.
5) Martyr: Seriously, don't come to work sick. Stay home with that stuff until it's gone. Trust me, we can make it without you. Nothing is more disgusting than a secretary who thinks that she is so important to the daily functions of a billion dollar corporation, that it can't go a day or two without their sniveling, coughing, gagging, funky, sick ass. If you get me sick and then it has to work its way through my entire household before coming right back to me, I swear, I'm going to sneeze all over your keyboard and wipe my ass with your nail file, the first chance I get.
I could go on, but I'd like to hear some of the irritating "qualities" you've found in co-workers.
